Holiday Season

My Dearest Asher

So next week marks one month since I last held you in my arms and last kissed your sweet face. I miss you more and more everyday. I miss your kicks and punches letting me know you were still here fighting for that once chance at life. You are so beautiful, you have huge eyes like your big brother, curly hair tinted red and the cutest little nose perfect for kissing. I'm so blessed to be able to call you my son.

After finding out how sick you were and then making the decision to continue with my pregnancy I knew my life would never be the same. I would never know your favorite color, your eye color, the sound of your laugh, how tall you would grow up to be, your ambitions, your favorite music, your favorite toy or your favorite tv show. One thing no one ever told me or warned me about was how bad the pain would be of having to live life without you in it. No parent should ever have to outlive their child, all the unknowns are too hard to bare. The pain my heart feels is indescribable and no one should have to feel what this pain feels like. I hope you know that no day goes by when I don't think about you.

I'm really struggling with the holidays coming up, first we have Thanksgiving then Christmas then the New Year. I don't know how to begin to be happy without you here. You're supposed to be here enjoying all these things with us. I know I have to put on a happy face and continue on for your brother and I will but you'll be on my mind as well. 

I know you're not in any pain and I'm sure your grandpa is taking great care of you, but I just really wish you were here with me. One more thing before I go, there will be a little boy who will be coming to join you soon. His name is Owen and his mom has become a good friend of mine and she is really struggling knowing her time with his is coming to an end. Owen has the same disorder you did therefore when he's called home please welcome him with open arms just like all the other babies that were taken to soon did for you. I know you guys will have fun together.

I Love you baby boy, until we meet again.

Love Mommy

3 Weeks Later

My Dearest Angel Asher,
So, I'm going to try this blogging thing as I have noticed that many friends I have made through this journey use this kind of as an outlet for their feelings and their thoughts, so I am going to give it a try. So, this being my first post, please try not to laugh at your mom.

So, it has been 2 weeks and 4 days since you were born and 2 weeks and 4 days since God took you home. It has not been easy for me, but I'm guessing you already knew that. I'm angry, hurt, sad, heart broken and tired. Sometimes it takes everything that I have to make myself get out of bed in the morning. But, rest assured I will get through this, I will find a new normal but just know that you will never be forgotten. 

This is something that I never thought would happen to me, it's a mothers worst nightmare. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with you I started imaging what life would be like with a 4 year old and a newborn. You and dylan would have been the best of friends and would have been like two peas in a pod. I long to hear you laugh, see you smile and to hear you cry. Those are things I know that I will never get to hear and see and the one thing that kills

Me most is I won't get to watch you grow up into the handsome young man you should have been able to become.

I do have one request, it's that you watch over your dad. He's one amazing man, but he is really struggling. He's trying to stay strong for the entire family and I'm afraid one day all the emotions are going to hit him all at once and it's going to be to much for him to handle. So please watch over him and every now and then let him know you are there.

Mommy loves you sweet baby boy.